One Sweet World

Baby steps, pardon the bad pun

2009-02-22T17:31:00.000-08:00

So, while externally there has been no movement in our adoption story, there have been subtle shifts within me this week. Poor Matt. Seriously. Bitter, party of 1 (I warned you that this blog wasn't always going to be sunshine and light).

During a conference call last week my direct supervisor made an interesting comment. Essentially she said, "How we spend our time reveals what we value." Given the schizophrenic pace of our workload, I was taken aback by her comment. In the fall we were given permission to hire assistants, brought them on board, and are STILL working upwards of 70+ per week. Based on our internal metrics, while that kind of workload is never explicitly stated, it is what is measured. Therefore, is it not- then- the expectation? Given this work environment, her comments gave me pause. So, in the last week, I have made sure to exercise, step away from my computer, and fulfill my obligations as a full time student. I have made an effort to be a better wife and best friend to my husband. And, I have made some incremental progress on our adoption. Let's see how THAT rolls at work.

Incremental progress
I called our social worker this week. How's that for progress? I joked last Sunday that I would be "stalking" her - and, I did. I had called her the previous week and had not received a returned phone call or email (such a thing had NEVER occurred before). While I wasn't completely forthright as to why I was calling, I did follow up with her about our adoption. Nothing to report, she is super busy- just not in placing babies with us. Harsh sounding, I know. And, to be sure, I don't mean it to be a commentary on her. Just on our situation. So, she is "hopeful" that we will hear from her "soon" about a birth mother, in the meanwhile "just hang on. Something will happen." The hanging on-it's tough. We will be matched, for sure. Sometimes, it just doesn't feel like it.

So...what to do? Concrete tasks reduce anxiety
So, when I start to get worked up about our situation, I start "to do" things. My most recent "to do" was to generate a list of things that we should purchase in preparation for a placement. I felt better to start wrapping my brain around things like a "wipe warmer" (who knew such a thing existed?) and a glider (upholstered, traditional, rocking chair?). Another one of my "to do" items was to find domestic adoption blogs. If you look to the left, the blogs named are all about the story of families on their journey through international adoption. I am glad to say- I found some really helpful domestic blogs and look forward to linking them to this site. It's important to us that we highlight all of the different kinds of domestic adoption and what that process looks like.

Variances in processes you say? Door #1? Door #2? or Door #3?

Door #1- Public Agency Domestic Adoption - this is the method of adoption we are currently involved in pursuing. We have a local agency with various offices around the state. Our social worker, through her contacts, will connect us with a birth mother (hopefully). This approach is like the Toy.ota or Hon.da approach. In theory it's reliable and unexciting and can go on and on and on and on.

Door #2-Private Attorney Domestic Adoption- this is the diciest approach. It is also the most expensive-as in at least double what we originally budgeted- but can be quick and fruitful. Let me share my two experiences so far:

First exchange with an adoption attorney: A friend of my mother had adopted through this attorney and it was "super quick." According to my mother it was as if the adoptive family called the adoption attorney in the morning and their adoptive child was placed with them in the afternoon. "Isn't that how it works?" my mom would opine. Well, um, not exactly. As it turns out they had had a disrupted adoption on try #1 and had lost the baby on try #2. And, lost as in "the baby passed away." All three of these experiences occurred within weeks of each other. So, while their was a call in the morning and a placement in the evening, it was not without losses and trauma.

However, I can say that after speaking with that attorney, he seemed like a genuinely lovely individual.

Second exchange with an adoption attorney: A friend of a friend personally knows an adoption attorney who is "wonderful." I called her. The exchange went like this:

Me: "Hi, my name is Gillian and I received X's name from a personal friend. I was interested in speaking with her and asking some informational questions."

Receptionist: "That will be $100."

Me: "Oh, no I am sorry. I misspoke. I am not interested in a consultation. I just want to get some basic information about how she organizes the adoption process."

Receptionist: "That's right. That will be $100. Now, when can you drop it by?"

Me: "Wait. In order for me to even speak with her to get information it will be $100?"

Receptionist: "Yes. uh huh. You must send money before you can even make an appointment."

Me: "So, I need to send you a check. Then you will call me and we will schedule an appointment. Otherwise Y won't speak to me?"

Receptionist: growing weary with my questioning as if to suggest that clearly stupidity is why I am not yet a parent, "YES."

Then, we hung up. Suffice it to say, the check isn't in the mail.

Door #3, Public Placement through a STATE agency
This is the foster care adoption agency option. In the end we would have to be approved as a state foster home and then would have a foster child placed in our home. I have blogged earlier about how I wasn't sure if this option was the best for us. In particular because I was worried about the loss we would experience if the state was successful in its stated intent- the reunification of the biological parents- with our foster children. The loss would be unimaginable.

This weekend I had the opportunity to explore some foster to adopt blogs and I realized that what I was most afraid of wasn't about the loss, but about my anger. What if the children were returned to biological parents who were yucky...who we didn't approve of? Clearly, they had a past history of abuse. How could we protect the child or children from them and any possible future abuse? We don't have a right to set that bar and I think THAT is what I am least comfortable with. Impotence doesn't suit me well.

Our path to adoption was born from loss- my own infertility. It is not that fear of loss that makes me hesitant, it is the fear of loving and then not having a "real" choice in the child(ren's) future and not protecting them. Doesn't every parent vow to always protect their children? And, given what we know about at least some state workers, I don't have a lot of confidence in their decisions.

So, where does that leave us? A little tired and digging even deeper into our "well of patience."

ToMAYto or TomaTOE? It's really just about perception!

2009-02-15T16:50:00.000-08:00

It's been about 6 weeks since we heard from our agency social worker so I am going to give her a call this week. I fully anticipate hearing "well, we really can't predict these things" BUT I just want to speak with her. I think it makes me feel like I am actually doing something (an illusion, I know). Matt references this strategy of mine as "stalking the social worker." What can I say? I don't know the protocol, but certainly it could be considered reasonable to give her a call since we haven't spoken via phone since December and via email since the beginning of January. Anyone ever have a long distance relationship in college? You know, the kind where you really like each other, go to different schools, and then over time, speak to each other less and less frequently until it just kind of peters out. Well, that's how this kind of feels like. So am I stalking our social worker or being persistent? I guess it's all about perception.

We have booked out late spring trip! I am so freakin' excited!!! We are headed to the St. Lucia. No cell phones. No blackberry. No email. While I am certain that they have this technology, it will be my goal to completely and totally unplug from the computer. As a virtual school leader, I can honestly say that in the last 17 months or so, there has only been 2 or 3 days when I haven' t dealt with an email or a phone call. I took a vacation day in July 2008 and received multiple calls that "had" to be dealt with right then and there. It was at that point that Matt and I realized that our only peace on a vacation would come if we left the country. I am tempted to make pictures of the resort and island my desktop wall paper. Is it to early to pack?

Fistful of nothing- I am running out of pithy comments about no news!

2009-02-09T16:30:00.000-08:00

Are we seeing a recurrent theme here? We have no news from our adoption agency, so we are beginning the process of considering a private adoption attorney. I am not sure how that works, but we are beginning to be open to consider that avenue. Essentially, the adoption attorney maintains a network of prospective parents and does much more outreach. I will let you know how this works out. I have a few leads. We are also on the list to attend the foster parent training for our state. By the end of this training we will be certified to have the state place a child in our home. Our greatest fear with this option is - not the child- but rather the stated objective of our Department of Children and Families to reunify biological families. We have to hope that a birth parent is unable to fulfill his or her stated obligations and that no biological family members are interested in parenting the child for the child to be placed with us permanently. Dicey, right? Both Matt and I are uber-sensitive and don't know the extent that we will have the fortitude to successfully navigate that program.

In the meanwhile, we are going on a "real" and "grown up"vacation! YIPPEE! And, WAHOO! We are heading out of the country in May. The countdown is ON! like Donkey Kong! It is our end of the semester reward! Matt will be done with his grad degree except for a small project and I will have made a decision between programs and courses of study! There will be MUCH to celebrate INDEED!

And, we figure, as soon as we pay for it, we will get a match! We should be so lucky, right?

No adoption news, but I love Faceb**k!

2009-01-30T13:55:00.000-08:00

Hello dear blog lurkers! Nothing on the adoption front; although one of my awesome work colleagues may help us extend our network of contacts by making some introductions for us-feel free to do so as well =) . Interestingly, kinda like the movie Juno (but really the only thing that is consistent), is that there is a component to domestic adoption that hinges on us 'getting the word out' like the Pennysaver ad.

With that being said, we are so at peace with the fact that the child or children meant for us will be in our family sooner or later. Adoption makes you think about the extent to which children are "meant" to be in families. When the birthmother who was considering an adoption plan decided to parent her child in December the resounding chorus was "well it wasn't meant to be." And, if a PAP didn't believe that at our core, then these kinds of speed bumps would be more profound. In the meantime, we keep busy. Have you discovered the "deliciousness" that is social networking sites! OMG! Four years ago they didn't exist- and now, I am so excited to track people down. So many people come in and out of our lives and this tool is amazing to help us stay connected. Time has a way of passing (15 years fly by)!

Earlier this month there was a glimmer of hope that my preliminary exams for my dissertation might occur in the fall. Newest word is that I won't be able to sit for them until next winter. *sigh* Now that I have my dissertation topic I really am excited to collect rich data and get down to business. I won't be able to do that until my chair signs off on my program of study, my remaining courses, and my passage of my exams. Based on some conversations this month, that data collection probably won't be able to occur until next February. However, if I drop down to the Ed.D route, I can start this summer. Oh, to be patient. Clearly a recurring theme in my world these days.

Oh, funny haha...our social worker told us that we should probably get a baby doll that makes "baby" noises so that our dogs get used to the idea of something that shape and size. And, when we are selected by a birthmother, we will totally do that. But, really, now? Unlike my ability to be consistent with my teachers and my students, my discipline of the dogs might be considered "needing improvement." Not only that, our puppos are not the "sharpest tools in the shed." Like every DINK couple, our dogs have toys..lots of them. In fact some of them look like ducks, geese, raccoons, squirrels. You know- cute, furry, and squeeky. Well, we have a large wooded backyard. In fact, I lovingly refer to it as "wild kingdom." [Stay with me.] So, Duke sees an animal that looks like his toys and- because he is so "play focused" has - on more than one occasion chased them out of the yard. Making the connection yet? Can you imagine Duke seeing the "baby" and confusing the fake baby and the real baby? Um..rrrrrriiiiiiiiiiggggggghhhhhhhhhtttttttttt. I am pretty sure the real baby won't be able to get away from him like the various squirrels, fox, raccoons, turkeys, hawks, etc can. I think I will wait to hit the toy store.

Week #42 on "adoption island"

2009-01-23T19:52:00.000-08:00

In some ways, I do feel like we are on an island hanging out waiting to be "found" by a birth parent. And, then in some ways I think of the tv show, S*rvivor, isn't the slogan "outwit, outlast, ..."? I have never watched the show, but I remember it being a theme of a conference I attended for middle schol teachers. Yes, THAT metaphor is RICH!

Just a random thought...One thing that has kind of percolated to the top of my mind lately is the notion that some people perceive adoptive children aren't "real" children who parents love just as much as biological children. I was reading a gossip page and noticed that repeatedly people chose to qualify adoptive children as "adopted" when discussing specific children. That makes me so sad! Parenting isn't about childbirth - although that is a beautiful component to it. It's about love and laughter and relationships. I feel so blessed that our families and friends do not perceive our potential child as less than a biological child and everyone is super excited for us.

Travel for work has picked back up so I am traveling at least 2 days a week again. It doesn't look like I will get a break from it until March. One of the lessons I have learned is that when you travel for work your week flies by! I completely FORGOT a homework assignment due this evening! Oops. Of course, I scrambled and got a rough draft in before the deadline, but whew! it was close. Definitely need to figure out how to be organized before we are matched! Hope everyone is staying warm!

Just like "conjunction junction" from back in the day, I am at "procrastination station"

2009-01-19T12:20:00.001-08:00

A great big "THANK YOU" to Mama Marte (my brother-in-law's mother) for gifting Matt and I an AWESOME slip covered sectional. We quickly realized that the microfiber couch we had wouldn't stand up to the use of 2 "LARGE and in-charge" puppos, 1 PAP who works from home, and the potentiality of an infant/toddler spilling things. We were searching high and low for a slip-covered couch that would fit our oddly shaped living and dining room, when Mama Marte came to our rescue. WAHOO! Now, we get to mini-decorate with new throw pillows, a new area rug, and some other things. And, we have saved a TON of money that will go right into our adoption fund.

Now, it's on to readings and school work for the week, advanced qualitative methods loom on my calendar tomorrow evening. Nothing like discussing the intricacies of "researcher as bricoleteur"- (Seriously, I couldn't make that up). Actually, I am being snarky- I am using qualitative methods for my dissertation so it's a super important class as I move forward with completing my mini-pilot for my dissertation. Word on the "committee" street is that I could sit for my exams in the fall, and pending passing them, begin my research this time next year. Could the end be in sight? I can barely contain myself =).

And, while I still haven't worked out- "hence procrastination station", I will be productive by getting my school work completed today to free up time later in the week. So..off I go...

Waiting sucks!

2009-01-17T21:03:00.000-08:00

Really, there is nothing profound about waiting. I have been checking my email regularly, and by regularly, I mean hourly - and by hourly I REALLY mean every 60 (maybe 45?) minutes or so of my waking hours- to see if our Social Worker has contacted us about a birth mother. And nothing. Matt even accused me of stalking her! So, I email her weekly...really, in my mind, maybe we are on a "post-it' to call the next possible presentation and I am just helping her out by expediting hitting the "reply" button instead of the "compose" button. Having worked in middle school in a large urban district (read: bureaucratic) for years one would think that I have the patience of Job. And, typically, I think I do. But, grr....this is hard. Especially when we were so close in December. The grief is getting better, but somehow to make sense of this wait, it's still kinda tough.

I am throwing myself back into the swing of classes (on top of work) and am hoping that I will be able to work on "baby-ish" stuff without jinxing the process. I am working on getting the glass topped tables out of the living room, finding spaces for extra storage, and organizing things in the vein hope that somehow I can measure it all as "progress" toward a placement and adoption. I even checked my horoscope today- " 'BIG' things in 2009" is what it said...Hopefully, the biggest "thing" will come in the smallest package.

Fingers and toes crossed for "THE CALL" this week.

At least I got my workout clothes on today!

2009-01-14T15:33:00.000-08:00

Well, something about "the best laid plans"...I am procrastinating and I have no excuse. I admit it. Isn't that the first step in moving forward? I am diligently thinking about diet and exercise. I mean I think that I should limit my carbs, I think I should limit my sugars (even those drunk in alcohol), I think I should get moving..BUT..what is my problem? I have awesome support..Matt works out regularly, friends of mine maintain weight loss blogs, and I.have.no.motivation. I might even think that I am using graduate school as an excuse. What if my entire motivation for pursuing my doctorate is all about procrastinating about exercising? Well..I think I am going to do some laundry. and change out of my workout clothes.

um..excuse me..please pardon the non-post below..I got a little excited about having a chance to post so soon!

2009-01-11T10:18:00.002-08:00

Well..hello again! Clearly, I was waaaaayyyy too excited that I had a chance to post - I hit the return button too soon (hehe). It's early in the semester so - while I have some time- I thought I would try to update our blog regularly. I really appreciate all of the support that I get from everyone who responds to my questions and posts. There are very few adoptive parents among our circle of close family and friends so the "blogosphere's" expertise is really helpful as we navigate our adoption journey. With that in mind, if there are any domestic adoption bloggers who are "lurking" out there, could you send me an email or a post so that I can read over your experiences? I have stumbled on amazing families and really use their stories as guide posts in our journey. But, I would also like to broaden my own horizons. And, because of our limited experiences, everything we read is a learning experience.

Also, does anyone have any recommendations of things that I could be doing now that will help once we are matched and bring home our little bean..You know the kind of "If I knew than what I know now I would have..."

Last night we had a chance to catch up with Shelly and Lucas, Matt's friends from college who lived in SFLA when we did. We had a blast reminiscing of South Florida and chatting up how we know 2009 is going to be awesome! BIG CONGRATS to Shelly who recently landed an amazing job! It's awesome when someone with so much talent is recognized for her work! And, as we were hanging out at a "cheese-tastic" watering hole, the people watching was FANTASTIC! I love college towns! And, at this particular venue, the citizenry was out in full fashion force..undergrads, lobbyists, lawyers, doctoral students, locals...we didn't know where to look or who to watch! It was an intersection of cultures!

Now, it's back to reality...papers, work, and cleaning- in that order.

I know, I know...you can't believe how much I am posting these days...enough already!

2009-01-11T10:18:00.001-08:00

Football,Basketball, and Baseball-Ironically, I have no athletic talent

2009-01-10T14:32:00.000-08:00

Well..BIG PROPS to the UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA GATORS!!! Football National Champs! While I would have loved a game that looked a little more like the Thanksgiving rout of The Florida State Seminoles (sorry, Matt, Shelly, Lucas, Joe, and Liz), I am so proud of the Gators! And, to do it in Florida-AWESOME! While I didn't get to attend because of obligations in Tallahassee, many of my friends did! It looked like so much fun! Keeping in the athletic theme for the week, I attended my first collegiate basketball game (I attended UF during the NIT years). Although the 'Noles lost to Duke, it was super fun to watch. Coach K is amazing! Next up, baseball season is around the corner. Nothing gets better than listening the crack of the bat and catching some beautiful Florida sun in the springtime!

It's been a relatively uneventful adoption week-that's how we measure time. While I can't speak to other prospective adoptive parents, I can share that we measure time in parallel universes. There is our "regular" time and lives- work, class, errands, and life. And, then we have an adoption clock. It's not regulated per se -it's not measured in seconds, minutes, or days. It's measured in events. So far, this week, nothing. We are just hanging out in the stack. Our paperwork hangs in a folder of a cabinet in our social worker's office. We have signed up for a required parenting class for state adoptions so hopefully we will get a seat in the April class (the next one offered).

However, we do have a question for adoptive parents who have blazed the trail before us...At what point do we start collecting baby stuff? You know..the crib, the sheets, all the "stuff"? On one hand we feel like we are "jinxing" it by starting to get things now. On the other, it is one way we can feel like we have some measure of "control." And, I am slowly realizing, there is A LOT of stuff to get!

Ok..enough about adoption..a "divided" house bleeds Orange and Blue for the evening!!!!

2009-01-08T17:29:00.001-08:00

"Ring, phone, ring!"

2009-01-08T07:38:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned on our most recent post, we have switched over to domestic adoption. This process is very different. Essentially, we wait until a birth mother (or her social worker) contacts our adoption agency and social worker. Once she makes contact, she creates a profile of adoptive parents. Then, the adoption agency matches her profile with the available prospective adoptive parents profiles. She then selects adoptive parents based on the profiles she reviews. The birth mother may chose to meet the prospective adoptive parents or may not.

Regardless of that component of the process, we wait to "get the call" from our social worker that a birth mother is reviewing our profile (among others), a call that our profile is selected, a call that the birth mother has made an adoption plan, a call that the baby was born, and a call to pick up the baby. We could be a part of the pregnancy, a part of the birth, or just called to pick up the baby. Clearly, the phone is my friend. I check it many, many times a day.

Now that we have talked about the process, let me tell you how it feels. Remember the first time you interviewed for something big- college, a job, or you met your mate? It kinda feels like that. We have butterflies. Remember after you interviewed and you waited to find out if you "got it"? The anxiety we feel kinda feels like that. Remember when you and your first love broke up? That sense of devastation? When an adoption plan falls through, it can feel like that.

It is as if our hearts are outside of our bodies.

We can speak of these feelings because we have experienced them. Recently we were presented to a birth mother who selected us as one of two "finalists." The feedback we got was that she really liked us. And, we were told to "be by our phone." And, then we waited. And, waited. And, waited. Hours turned into days which turned into a couple of weeks. We were tense and anxious and excited. And then we learned that she delivered the baby. And, then we learned that she decided to not place the baby. She chose to parent. And, while we are happy that her circumstances changed so that she could parent, we were devastated at the same time.

So, we go back into the pile and wait for the next go around.

Is that the phone ringing???????

Adoption, take 4!

2008-12-29T19:21:00.000-08:00

Well..as I mentioned previously we are onto the domestic list for a little while. Domestic adoption is a completely different ball game. There are a couple of kinds of domestic adoption, private and public.

Private domestic adoption:
Instead of bureaucrats and legal representatives in foreign countries who play a significant role in our adoption, domestically, the birth parents play an important role. Essentially, it is our job as prospective adoptive parents to "get the word out" and then a birth mother who is interested in making an adoption plan reviews our profile and then, if she likes us, selects us for placement. It can be an emotional roller coaster. For example, a birth mother interested in making an adoption plan may be specifically looking for adoptive parents with certain characteristics. These characteristics can include a religious preference, a certain educational level, career preference, or even a specific type of pet. So, a birth mother might have a dream of having her biological child placed with a young-ish couple with two "high energy" [read: crazy] Golden Retrievers. Perhaps, she is interested in having her child parented by a teacher or by a family in a small city. In that case, we are it! It really is about matching the birth parent (s) wish list with the prospective adoptive parents available.

Public domestic adoption:
For many this is the type of adoption they are most familiar with domestically. Each state runs their adoption programs differently. In general, a home study is required, some classes on parenting and awareness of high needs children, and an openness to foster to adopt children. The foster to adopt program is a placement program where the prospective adoptive parents foster a child they may or may not be able to adopt. We are also getting ready to participate in this program in 2009.

For our family and friends, I hope this superficial survey of domestic adoption gives you a sense of how our adoption plan has changed.

Now...onto the next phase..waiting. We have gotten pretty good at that so I am sure I will have time to regale you with stories of quality television, grad school coursework, and a rapidly growing schoolhouse!!

Looking forward to a fantastic 2009!

Where have YOU been???

2008-12-25T17:21:00.000-08:00

Well, goodness, it's been awhile! What was supposed to be a brief break in posting because of grad school and work obligations turned into a "blog-sabbatical"! And, to be honest, so much has happened.

To begin with, how the world has changed! We have a newly elected President, a crumbling economy, and an unsure future.

Since then things have changed in our "adoption world" as well. When we last left off we had recently completed our home study and were waiting until Dec. 1 to post our Immigration documents in the mail to the USCIS. After much soul searching, we decided to hold off on pursuing an international adoption from Russia.

There are many reasons, but at this time some potential issues related to Russian adoption preclude us from continuing adopting from Russia. We received a "heads up" notice from our agency that because of the tragic death of a Russian adoptee in Virginia, that there is sense that Russia will be re-evaluating it's international adoption program. I believe the exact phrase was that "the Russians have generally felt 'ambivalent' about international adoption" and may use this incident "to review" and slow international adoption as they examine if placing Russian children with American families is an appropriate option for their children in need. Russia has a history of starting and stopping her international adoption programs during various periods. Therefore, we are hesitant to start the international component of our adoption with this possibility looming.

Now, for those of you who are unfamiliar with our international journey, let me give you some back story. When we first started our adoption process, we researched various countries and determined that Guatemala would be a great fit. We were interested in parenting a young child and the Guatemalan foster system appealed to us. And, then, due to circumstance beyond our control, the US State Department changed the law and forbade American families from adopting from Guatemala. There were some pretty scary allegations regarding the placement of children so this decision while personally disppointing, was made the best in the best interest of the children in Guatemala. maybe.

So, after much disappointment we researched additional countries that fit our profile and decided that Colombia might be a great fit. We attended some webinars and learned as much as we could about adoption in Colombia. We were so excited! But, as Guatemala closed, other Latin American countries experienced a surge in applications. In Colombian international adoption, preference in adoption placement is given (and, rightfully so, in our opinion) to families of Colombian descent. Makes perfect sense, right? However, what this meant for us though, is that the new wait time was over 3 years and some agencies weren't even willing to take new applicants!!!

So...off we went! Looking high and low for another country who would fit our profile. This journey led us to...Vietnam (for those in the adoption community, I can hear your groans). Vietnam is a beautiful country with an amazing adoption community- a social network both locally (we have a tremendous group in our hometown) as well as on the Internet to provide us support and guidance through the process. Now, for those of you NOT in the international adoption community, in order to adopt from Vietnam, there was a Memo of Understanding (MOU) between the US State Department and the Vietnamese government. When we began our adoption process from Vietnam (in January 2008) our adoption agency felt "confident" that there would be no lapse in the MOU despite the Sept. 1 2008 expiration date. They accepted our application for Vietnam and, to be honest-our money- and told us that we were "on our way." Well, then in March 2008, we were notified by our adoption agency that they felt virtually certain that there WOULD be a lapse in the MOU and that we could no longer adopt from Vietnam. To say we were disappointed is an understatement.

Still with me? Yes, that's 0 for 3. But we haven't even gotten to Russia, yet! While we were going through this emotional rollar coaster regarding the international component of our adoption, we were diligently pursuing the domestic requirements. (see previous posts) And, while we felt slightly misled by our international agency, our local domestic agency and social worker had been A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! Because of the trust we had in our local agency, we attended a few face to face seminars with a different international adoption agency. It is at this point that we researched and felt drawn to Russia. On a personal level, I have always found the history and culture of Russia interesting. In particular, I have casually studied both the Orthodox church as well as the government and political environment. I have a special interest in the interconnected web of familial relationships among the varying ruling monarchies during the nineteenth century. In addition, I also have a burgeoning interest in how female heads of state successfully lead countries while navigating various external and internal state pressures. But, I digress. Suffice it to say, Russia felt like a great fit. When a family adopts a child from a country other than the US, there is also a cultural connection between the country and the family. Clearly, I felt connected.

So, off to Russia we went. We applied for and were accepted for the Russia program in the early summer! We were so excited! While the child or children we would bring home would not be an infant (like in Guatemala or Vietnam), we were excited to bring home an older child or children. We were thrilled! Our goal is to parent! And, Russia had just re-opened a few years ago, so we felt that we were within a window where we could reasonably expect the process to go smoothly. Now, not so much. Because of the untimely passing of a Russian adoptee, as I mentioned earlier in this post, the international adoption program in Russia may be under review. I don't have the stomach to be 0 for 4.

So, until we get the "all clear" regarding the situation in Russia,we are pursuing ...domestic adoption. Domestic adoption is a "whole 'nother ball game." More to follow soon....promise.

Lions, Tigers, and Bears, OH MY!

2008-10-22T17:26:00.000-07:00

Or, should I say Western Wildcats? We returned home from wonderful weekend back in our hometown late Sunday night. It was Matt's high school reunion (Western High School, known as the "Western Wildcats") so we headed home for a weekend of festivities. We actually went a day earlier than necessary to visit with my grandmother and had such a good time! She has recently moved into an assisted living facility and it is as wonderful as one can be! She has a great apartment and we got to meet her friends during lunch. They even had an art show on Friday afternoon! On Saturday we hung out at the beach (how awesome!) and then out to a restaurant on the Intracoastal (even awesomer!) as part of the reunion festivities.

We met Matt's god daughter for the first time! She is beyond precious! Of course, she had to be pried from my hands to get her bottle and burped! We stayed with my sister so we even got quality time with her! The only thing we missed- Matt's brother and his family! Hopefully, next time we will be able to hook up and visit with each other!!! We seem to only catch each other at weddings!!!!

And, in the "what were we thinking" category, we brought the dogs along! Yes, you read right, Matt, me, and Duke and Raleigh (all 120 pounds of them) packed up the rental SUV (Enterprise didn't know what hit them!) and drove (!) the 7 hours there and back. Oi vay! NEVER AGAIN!!!! They were good for about 4-5 hours, but the last 2 hours each way was beyond brutal. For those of you who don't know, Duke and Raleigh are Golden Retrievers...the breed also known as "velcro" dogs. Typically, at home, this isn't a problem. They love to cuddle up on our feet or sit next to us- making sure to always touch us. Well, imagine what THAT was like in a car! Their primary mission was to figure out a way to sit with us in the front seat. Of course, we have invested in the dog harness safety belts. Unfortunately, Duke and Raleigh demonstrated their "considerable intellectual prowess" and either a) chewed it -apparently the harness' taste delicious or b.) they moved around so much that they get un-harnessed! So, imagine me and Matt yelling, "No! Sit! In the back! Lay down!" every 15 seconds. For the last 2 hours getting there. And, for the last 2 hours coming back. Oh, and then add in the fantastic excitement of.... toll booths!!!! Each toll collector was a potential friend and greeted excitedly with wagging tails and barks of joy. Or, greeted with a watchful and unsure eye and a low "warning sign" bark. We couldn't quite figure out what or who determined the logic behind each response. Regardless, Duke and Raleigh were "on it" and committed to letting everyone on the road know of their presence! Did I mention there are 4 toll booths - each way! Again, lesson learned. Next time we go away..it's "camp canine" for them!

And, did I mention my sister has a cat-a-delicious-never-before-seen-up-close-and-personal gato? We are not sure whether Duke or Raleigh met Gatsby first; however, suffice it to say that Gatsby is NOT a fan of the canine species. Although, Duke and Raleigh would love to see/chase/play with him more often!

Since this IS an adoption blog, I feel compelled to give everyone an update. There is no update. Actually, we have our approved and final copy of our home study in hand and need to send it, our I-600A adoption petition, and our fee to the US Immigration Service for review. Because I have a HUGE project due on Oct. 28 (part I) and Nov. 4 (part II), I probably won't get it Fed Exed before then. The folder is sitting on our dining room table- otherwise known as the "adoption desk" because all of our work seems to be done around it. Once the USCIS processes our application, we will be sent appointment times in Jacksonville. It is necessary to have an appointment because we need to get fingerprinted. I believe these finger prints are run in a national database as part of our background/security check. As a point of information, the finger print clearance is only good for one calendar year. Therefore, if our adoption is not completed within 12 months we have to apply for an extension. Fingers crossed (pardon the pun) that won't be necessary!

Tagging...or, what PAP's do to whittle away time while we wait for news!

2008-10-13T19:36:00.000-07:00

Tagging is a way that PAPs (prospective adoptive parents) hang out on our blogs as we wait for our paperwork pregnancy to proceed (who knew I was so alliterative!?) Anyhow, I was tagged weeks ago and am just now getting to it! I am THE slacker blogger! I wear the crown sheepishly.

1. What time did you get up this morning? Too early- I stayed up studying last night. Ok, really, 8am (I work from home so commuting and work clothes take on a whole new meaning)

2. Diamonds or pearls? Depends on the occasion.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? I can't remember! Agh!!! Grad school is consuming my life.

4. What is your favourite TV show? Anything on HGTV. I love nesting!

5. What do you usually have for breakfast? Whole wheat bagel

6. What is your middle name? Kept my last name as my middle name when I got married.

7. What food do you dislike? Anything with garlic.

8. What is your favourite CD at the moment? Anything by DMB. or, Jack Johnson.

9. What kind of car do you drive? 10 year old VW Jetta- we are saving for an international adoption, folks!

10. Favourite sandwich? Hmm...anything toasted, cheesy, and on a bagel.

11. What characteristic do you despise? Disrespect and ignorance.

12. Favourite item of clothing? PJ's

13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Hard to say, I looove to get away- anywhere! I often think of a tropical beach, calypso music, and balmy breezes ...And, Russia is just TOO obvious an answer.

14. Favourite brand of clothing? I am not really a clothes horse these days..we are in save, save, save mode.

15. Where would you retire to? North Carolina- like almost everyone else in Florida! I would like a place on the beach and a place in the mountains!

16. What was your most recent memorable birthday? My recent 35th (gulp)! 31, oddly enough, was pretty fun, too! Weird and random year, I know. But it was a great year!

17. Favourite sport to watch? College football- Go Gators!

18. When is your birthday? September 26th

Are you a morning person or a night person? Night Night Night! Unless I am tired and then.. Morning, morning, morning! But, I am never grumpy in the morning!

20. What is your shoe size? Me and every other woman who trolls the sales racks- 8.5!

21. Pets? Two Golden Retrievers who are "energetic" =)

22. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us? I think I have figured out my dissertation topic! WAHOOOOOO!!!! Well, it's exciting to me- but I have no delusions of grandeur and can completely anticipate boring everyone with the details. Essentially, I am examining how school leaders "make sense" of state policies- especially with regard to the idea of competition in public schools (i.e. online education, charter schools, etc). Still reading? In particular, I am interested in the "political" aspect of how compliant a principal is in implementing the policy. And, by political I mean how a superintedent or school district exert informal influence in how the school principal constructs meaning. Don't say I didn't warn you.

23. What did you want to be when you were little? A lawyer, but I hate arguing. Fundamental flaw, I know.

24. How are you today? So-so...wondering when all of the paperwork and documentation will be done. ***sigh***

25. What is your favourite candy(lollie/chocolate)? I know this sounds un-American, but I don't really like candy. I am much more a fan of an ooey, gooey, chocolate brownie.

26. What is your favourite flower? Camillas

27. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? Thanksgiving! Unequivocally!

28. What is your full name? Gillian

29. What are you listening to right now? I am watching CSI: Miami! I don't think David Caruso means to be funny, but his acting skills are fantastic! His use of sunglasses as a prop is inspiring. Plus, it's awesome to watch the old hometown!

30. What was the last thing you ate? A roast beef sandwich on whole wheat bread.

31. Do you wish on stars? Not really- although I love to see all of them on a clear, crisp night.

32. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? Green

33. How is the weather right now? Unseasonably warm- I am ready for another cold front!

34. The first person you spoke to on the phone today? One of the teachers in my schoolhouse.

35. Favourite soft drink? Diet Pepsi

36. Favourite restaurant? Bella Bella!

37. Real hair colour? "Dark" blonde- really mousy brown, but recently with gray streaks! AAGGHHH!!!

38. What was your favourite toy as a child? Any book.

39. Summer or winter? Summer. Winter. Fall. Spring. I love the change of seasons- I am usually ready for which ever one is next when it comes!

40. Hugs or kisses? Hugs

41. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate

42. Coffee or tea? Hot chocolate with whipped cream. I don't drink coffee or tea.

43. When was the last time you cried? Today. The aforementioned teacher's dad passed away from cancer yesterday and I had been a part of his diagnosis, prognosis, and hospice. I knew how important he is to her and her son. Her loss just made me sad. And want to hug everyone in my life harder.

44. What is under your bed? "Winter"ish clothes- I live in Tallahassee, y'all. And, in a small, old house- every possible space is storage!

45. What did you do last night? Studied for my mid-term that was tonight. Blech.

46. What are you afraid of? Being unfair to someone.

47. Salty or sweet? Salty...I love Salt bagels...delish!

48. How many keys on your key ring? 3

49. How many years at your current job? 1

50. Favorite day of the week? Friday. Evening. after 5. The weekend has so many possibilities.

51. How many places have you lived in? 4

52. Do you make friends easily? Yes! Yes! Yes! Of course, group work in grad school makes that answer easy!

Famous last words...

2008-10-07T19:19:00.001-07:00

How funny is that my last post was about being committed to posting ...and then I didn't post for 3 weeks! Hilarious!!!! It was my full intention to update our blog at least weekly. Ahh..the best laid plans.

So, you should be asking what I have been doing with all of my free time. So much! Since we last posted we have...completed our life album, completed the Hague International Adoption Education requirement, and RECEIVED OUR HOME STUDY! Wahoo!!!!!

Our Life Album
Our social worker asked that in order to prepare for our adoption we create a scrapbook of our lives, including our home, our families, and our "puppos"! We spent an alarming amount of money creating one, but it is done! We collected pictures from our families and friends and organized them to tell our story. And, then I "bedazzled" the pages with stickers and three dimensional objects and glitter. I am not sure what I need to do with it next, but it's done!

Hague Internation Adoption Education requirement
While I don't know the evolution of the Hague requirements, I do know that the Hague Conventions are established guidelines to ensure children who need homes are placed in loving families with the highest ethics possible. For those of you not actively involved in the adoption community, it would probably shock you to know that there have been some pretty strong allegations of "baby-knapping" - that is, that some infants have been taken from mothers who did not want them to be adopted and placed within the adoption system. In the most general terms, the Hague Conventions are a set of guidelines to prevent this kind of exploitation. Part of the conventions require an educational component for prospective adoption parents. It is a ten hour course about issues related to culture, attachment, bonding, medical issues, and various other topics relevant to adopting. We completed this course! WAHOO! We even got a certificate!

Home Study
And, ta da(!), our home study is complete! Complete! COMPLETE! This is a huge step!!! A home study is a study of house (the physical components of it), ourselves as individuals, and ourselves as a couple. It also includes an examination of our finances and how we anticipate having a child will change our lives. We met with our social worker as a couple and individually multiple times. There were many, many forms to complete with lots of questions. It feels so good to be able to "check that off our to do list"!!

So, what is our next step?
Well, we have to submit our documents to the US Immigration and Customs Service for pre-approval to continue the adoption. Once we get these documents off (hopefully, by Friday), we will need to travel to Jacksonville for finger printing (this would be the third time). Of course, there are fees associated with this paperwork. Once these documents are processed, the ticker starts as they are only good for one year. Our home study is only good for a year as well, but that's an 'easy' fix- we just meet with our social worker again for an update meeting. If these documents expire we have to either complete an extension before they expire or re-do them (and pay again). In a few weeks, we will begin compiling our dossier. A dossier is the file of documents that the Russian government requires. Each document has to be original and apostilled (stamped by the Secretary of State for Florida)- good news, since we live in Tallahassee this should be "easy."

The dossier will be submitted to our agency who will present it to the Ministry of Education in Russia in a particular region. The agency who is assisting us in the international component of our adoption works in nine regions, like Moscow, Siberia, and Vladivostok. We will be matched with a region based on what is a good fit for our family based on the documents we have submitted. So...our next BIG news will be when we find out which region in Russia our little one(s) are coming home from. We can't wait to post that blog!

I am committed to providing updates...or should I be committed?

2008-09-14T12:06:00.000-07:00

OK, mental health is no laughing matter. So, before anyone emails me about being potentially insensitive, please know that I think our country needs to do more, earlier, and with less stigma than we currently do for those who suffer from mental health problems. I also recognize that some of society ills are caused by our lack of attention to this issue.

With that disclaimer in mind, I have no idea what I was thinking with all of the different activities that I am involved in this fall! Actually, I do..more on that in a second. However, I think I am going to frame it all with the hope that I am just preparing myself for how busy my life will get when our little munchkin or munchkins come home to Matt and I. It has not been lost on me that most bloggers are dedicated to their updates before they bring their little ones home. And, then, like Ohio States hopes of a national championship in football, they are gone. (I AM a Gator, after all).

Seriously, this update is more of a "G and Matt" update rather than an adoption update because THERE IS NOTHING TO REPORT. **sigh** Our only adoption news is that I have begun to work on our lifebook scrapbook. I have contacted family and friends near and far and asked for pictures of Matt and I. Thank you to everyone who has sent us some. We have them printed out and sorted by theme. Next step, actually making the scrapbook. I went to a local craft store and purchased 2 sets of scrapbooks because I couldn't decide which one I liked better. Of course, I brought them home and Matt and I looked at the styles, colors, and inserts to determine which one we liked better. Now, I need to go return the one not selected and purchase "embellishments" and decorative pages. Who knew scrapbooking was so complicated? I know that I am probably making it waaaayyy more difficult than it needs to be, but its a book that represents us. How difficult is THAT?

So, as my mind spins aimlessly about our adoption, I have chosen to distract myself with a ridiculous schedule: full time work, full time student, fall football season, company and traveling and responsibilities at the local university-all of the reasons why I am feeling overwhelmed.

Unlike a biological pregnancy, with an adoption there isn't a clear end in sight. There is no "due date." I recognize that most due dates are not accurate, but generally for a non-premature birth, you kinda know how much time you have to prepare for a child. With an adoption, we can move quickly through the process, as in six-nine months. Or, we can move slowly. There really is no way to know how long the adoption will take until you are in the middle of it. Essentially, it's only when the months tick off the calendar with no referral do you realize just how long the process will take. So, I am not quite sure if and when we are actually supposed to be working on tasks around the house- i.e. painting the nursery, purchasing clothes, toys, books, and furniture, a baby gate for the pool. It kinda feels too early to be doing those things. And, who wants to jinx the process?

So an update on us...

We are still waiting for the contractor to help us with our Tropical Storm Fay damage. Hopefully, one day this week he will be able to get us on his schedule. While our damage was not extensive, we do need to replace a door, fix a ceiling and fix our back porch.

Matt sees the light at the end of the tunnel for his graduate degree. He anticipates finishing his Master's in May (be on the lookout for that post). By the end of December, I will need to make some pretty big decisions about my coursework. I need to decide if I am going to continue the PhD track or switch over to the EdD. track. The difference between the two is significant and may have long term consequences. If I want to pursue an academic career at a research I university, I will need to continue with the PhD. If I want to remain a practitioner or work at a non-research I institution, then an EdD is perfectly acceptable. The difference is in the cost between the two (about $15,000) and the length of time my coursework will take (another 12 months full time or 24 months part time) are factors in my decision. It is something that I am struggling with as I am not sure exactly what I want to do when I grow up. It's the same kind of decision women everywhere face as they seek to find balance between the sometime competing interests of work, homelife, and personal ambitions.

And, really, I know that when our little munchkin or munchkins come home all of this waffling will be moot.

Where have all my elementary school teacher friends gone?

2008-09-09T18:38:00.000-07:00

Along the "hurry up and wait" theme for this week...our home study is coming along. Our domestic social worker is working with our international agency to make sure that it is aligned to both the standards required by the US government and the standards required by the Russian government. I really appreciate all the hardwork our social worker has done. Yes, she is paid. But, between all of the interviews and home visits, she has become an important part of the process (there is that word again!).

While we wait for this part of the process to be completed and approved to be submitted to our government for the USCIS (immigration) approval, we have gotten the "go ahead" to work on our life books. Yes, I have been given the task of making scrapbooks! WAHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Ok, really, not so much. I need to construct a scrapbook that tells our story. To my elementary school teacher friends...where are you? Anyone? Ideas? Suggestions?

And this is how adoption goes...

2008-09-07T13:54:00.000-07:00

So, week before last was so exciting-we were wrapping up our home study and got our blog started. Then, this week, nothing. For those of you new to the adoption world (as if I am not) I understand this is how it goes: hurry up, hurry up faster (someone needs some document postmarked by 5pm TODAY), turn it in to the appropriate personnel, and then wait. And wait some more. And, when you think you can't possibly wait any longer and you are going to crawl out of your skin- you wait some more. I have learned most about waiting from the other blogs I read.

For my friends and family who know me, I am a very patient person- after all, I spent 12 years working with MIDDLE school students and 2 years working with politicians. What about my professional practice hasn't taught me that my plan and someone else's plan usually doesn't match? Ever try to teach a 7th grader about geography at 10:45 in the morning? Or an 8th grader reading at 7:30 am? Or that a legislator, who "knows" how schools work (s/he attended one, y'know), may not have all the information necessary to make a decision that can affect millions of children and teachers?

But this is so different...

We are so excited to be on this journey, I don't know if I can contain myself. Matt seems to handle it with much more ease than me. Every time Matt and I go out, we look at a child and wonder- is that how old our child will be when we bring him or her home? We wonder if we will be lucky enough to parent one or two children? We wonder if we will have a son or a daughter (that's an easy one to think about- every prospective parent wonders that!)? We look at feet and fingers and toes and chubby fat rolls on legs and wonder if our child is being well taken care of today, right now, at this moment. Then, on some visceral level, we send our thoughts and prayers out to "the universe" that he or she IS being taken care of . (Sorry english teacher friends- I am ending a sentence with a preposition) Our minds wonder to the birth parent(s) and pray that whatever situation they find themselves in, that they find strength, solace, and peace. Invariably, our minds wonder back to our child or children and begin trying to figure out how we can "negotiate time" so that the days until we can be united pass quickly. All this happens in about sixty seconds- Multiple times per day. And, so far, that is how adoption goes...

In the beginning...

2008-09-01T12:25:00.000-07:00

Suprise! We are expecting! Not in the traditional "bun in the oven", swollen feet, and midnight cravings kind of way- rather in the traveling to another country, being matched with a precious child or children (more on that later), and dealing with our own and foreign governments to prove that we can provide the safest and most loving home possible for a child or children.

We have been lurking and reading other PAP (prosepctive adoptive parent) blogs for many months now. And, today, we are striking out on our own. We have learned and laughed from all of the families that have gone before us. And, by "us", I mean me, Gillian. My honey bunny (dear husband) reads the highlights ( i.e when PAP meet their child) or lowlights (Vietnam, anyone?), but generally blogging will be my responsibility.

I look forward to sharing our story for our families and friends. Hopefully, laughing along with you so that when we bring home our children, our adoption journey to them will be shared with you- just like a growing belly, doctor appointment news, and maternity clothes might be shared.

Our goal- with all of its ups and downs- will be to chronicle our journey to "when we became three."