Baby steps, pardon the bad pun

So, while externally there has been no movement in our adoption story, there have been subtle shifts within me this week. Poor Matt. Seriously. Bitter, party of 1 (I warned you that this blog wasn't always going to be sunshine and light).

During a conference call last week my direct supervisor made an interesting comment. Essentially she said, "How we spend our time reveals what we value." Given the schizophrenic pace of our workload, I was taken aback by her comment. In the fall we were given permission to hire assistants, brought them on board, and are STILL working upwards of 70+ per week. Based on our internal metrics, while that kind of workload is never explicitly stated, it is what is measured. Therefore, is it not- then- the expectation? Given this work environment, her comments gave me pause. So, in the last week, I have made sure to exercise, step away from my computer, and fulfill my obligations as a full time student. I have made an effort to be a better wife and best friend to my husband. And, I have made some incremental progress on our adoption. Let's see how THAT rolls at work.

Incremental progress
I called our social worker this week. How's that for progress? I joked last Sunday that I would be "stalking" her - and, I did. I had called her the previous week and had not received a returned phone call or email (such a thing had NEVER occurred before). While I wasn't completely forthright as to why I was calling, I did follow up with her about our adoption. Nothing to report, she is super busy- just not in placing babies with us. Harsh sounding, I know. And, to be sure, I don't mean it to be a commentary on her. Just on our situation. So, she is "hopeful" that we will hear from her "soon" about a birth mother, in the meanwhile "just hang on. Something will happen." The hanging on-it's tough. We will be matched, for sure. Sometimes, it just doesn't feel like it.

So...what to do? Concrete tasks reduce anxiety
So, when I start to get worked up about our situation, I start "to do" things. My most recent "to do" was to generate a list of things that we should purchase in preparation for a placement. I felt better to start wrapping my brain around things like a "wipe warmer" (who knew such a thing existed?) and a glider (upholstered, traditional, rocking chair?). Another one of my "to do" items was to find domestic adoption blogs. If you look to the left, the blogs named are all about the story of families on their journey through international adoption. I am glad to say- I found some really helpful domestic blogs and look forward to linking them to this site. It's important to us that we highlight all of the different kinds of domestic adoption and what that process looks like.

Variances in processes you say? Door #1? Door #2? or Door #3?

Door #1- Public Agency Domestic Adoption - this is the method of adoption we are currently involved in pursuing. We have a local agency with various offices around the state. Our social worker, through her contacts, will connect us with a birth mother (hopefully). This approach is like the Toy.ota or Hon.da approach. In theory it's reliable and unexciting and can go on and on and on and on.

Door #2-Private Attorney Domestic Adoption- this is the diciest approach. It is also the most expensive-as in at least double what we originally budgeted- but can be quick and fruitful. Let me share my two experiences so far:

First exchange with an adoption attorney: A friend of my mother had adopted through this attorney and it was "super quick." According to my mother it was as if the adoptive family called the adoption attorney in the morning and their adoptive child was placed with them in the afternoon. "Isn't that how it works?" my mom would opine. Well, um, not exactly. As it turns out they had had a disrupted adoption on try #1 and had lost the baby on try #2. And, lost as in "the baby passed away." All three of these experiences occurred within weeks of each other. So, while their was a call in the morning and a placement in the evening, it was not without losses and trauma.

However, I can say that after speaking with that attorney, he seemed like a genuinely lovely individual.

Second exchange with an adoption attorney: A friend of a friend personally knows an adoption attorney who is "wonderful." I called her. The exchange went like this:

Me: "Hi, my name is Gillian and I received X's name from a personal friend. I was interested in speaking with her and asking some informational questions."

Receptionist: "That will be $100."

Me: "Oh, no I am sorry. I misspoke. I am not interested in a consultation. I just want to get some basic information about how she organizes the adoption process."

Receptionist: "That's right. That will be $100. Now, when can you drop it by?"

Me: "Wait. In order for me to even speak with her to get information it will be $100?"

Receptionist: "Yes. uh huh. You must send money before you can even make an appointment."

Me: "So, I need to send you a check. Then you will call me and we will schedule an appointment. Otherwise Y won't speak to me?"

Receptionist: growing weary with my questioning as if to suggest that clearly stupidity is why I am not yet a parent, "YES."

Then, we hung up. Suffice it to say, the check isn't in the mail.

Door #3, Public Placement through a STATE agency
This is the foster care adoption agency option. In the end we would have to be approved as a state foster home and then would have a foster child placed in our home. I have blogged earlier about how I wasn't sure if this option was the best for us. In particular because I was worried about the loss we would experience if the state was successful in its stated intent- the reunification of the biological parents- with our foster children. The loss would be unimaginable.

This weekend I had the opportunity to explore some foster to adopt blogs and I realized that what I was most afraid of wasn't about the loss, but about my anger. What if the children were returned to biological parents who were yucky...who we didn't approve of? Clearly, they had a past history of abuse. How could we protect the child or children from them and any possible future abuse? We don't have a right to set that bar and I think THAT is what I am least comfortable with. Impotence doesn't suit me well.

Our path to adoption was born from loss- my own infertility. It is not that fear of loss that makes me hesitant, it is the fear of loving and then not having a "real" choice in the child(ren's) future and not protecting them. Doesn't every parent vow to always protect their children? And, given what we know about at least some state workers, I don't have a lot of confidence in their decisions.

So, where does that leave us? A little tired and digging even deeper into our "well of patience."