Baby steps, pardon the bad pun

So, while externally there has been no movement in our adoption story, there have been subtle shifts within me this week. Poor Matt. Seriously. Bitter, party of 1 (I warned you that this blog wasn't always going to be sunshine and light).

During a conference call last week my direct supervisor made an interesting comment. Essentially she said, "How we spend our time reveals what we value." Given the schizophrenic pace of our workload, I was taken aback by her comment. In the fall we were given permission to hire assistants, brought them on board, and are STILL working upwards of 70+ per week. Based on our internal metrics, while that kind of workload is never explicitly stated, it is what is measured. Therefore, is it not- then- the expectation? Given this work environment, her comments gave me pause. So, in the last week, I have made sure to exercise, step away from my computer, and fulfill my obligations as a full time student. I have made an effort to be a better wife and best friend to my husband. And, I have made some incremental progress on our adoption. Let's see how THAT rolls at work.

Incremental progress
I called our social worker this week. How's that for progress? I joked last Sunday that I would be "stalking" her - and, I did. I had called her the previous week and had not received a returned phone call or email (such a thing had NEVER occurred before). While I wasn't completely forthright as to why I was calling, I did follow up with her about our adoption. Nothing to report, she is super busy- just not in placing babies with us. Harsh sounding, I know. And, to be sure, I don't mean it to be a commentary on her. Just on our situation. So, she is "hopeful" that we will hear from her "soon" about a birth mother, in the meanwhile "just hang on. Something will happen." The hanging on-it's tough. We will be matched, for sure. Sometimes, it just doesn't feel like it.

So...what to do? Concrete tasks reduce anxiety
So, when I start to get worked up about our situation, I start "to do" things. My most recent "to do" was to generate a list of things that we should purchase in preparation for a placement. I felt better to start wrapping my brain around things like a "wipe warmer" (who knew such a thing existed?) and a glider (upholstered, traditional, rocking chair?). Another one of my "to do" items was to find domestic adoption blogs. If you look to the left, the blogs named are all about the story of families on their journey through international adoption. I am glad to say- I found some really helpful domestic blogs and look forward to linking them to this site. It's important to us that we highlight all of the different kinds of domestic adoption and what that process looks like.

Variances in processes you say? Door #1? Door #2? or Door #3?

Door #1- Public Agency Domestic Adoption - this is the method of adoption we are currently involved in pursuing. We have a local agency with various offices around the state. Our social worker, through her contacts, will connect us with a birth mother (hopefully). This approach is like the Toy.ota or Hon.da approach. In theory it's reliable and unexciting and can go on and on and on and on.

Door #2-Private Attorney Domestic Adoption- this is the diciest approach. It is also the most expensive-as in at least double what we originally budgeted- but can be quick and fruitful. Let me share my two experiences so far:

First exchange with an adoption attorney: A friend of my mother had adopted through this attorney and it was "super quick." According to my mother it was as if the adoptive family called the adoption attorney in the morning and their adoptive child was placed with them in the afternoon. "Isn't that how it works?" my mom would opine. Well, um, not exactly. As it turns out they had had a disrupted adoption on try #1 and had lost the baby on try #2. And, lost as in "the baby passed away." All three of these experiences occurred within weeks of each other. So, while their was a call in the morning and a placement in the evening, it was not without losses and trauma.

However, I can say that after speaking with that attorney, he seemed like a genuinely lovely individual.

Second exchange with an adoption attorney: A friend of a friend personally knows an adoption attorney who is "wonderful." I called her. The exchange went like this:

Me: "Hi, my name is Gillian and I received X's name from a personal friend. I was interested in speaking with her and asking some informational questions."

Receptionist: "That will be $100."

Me: "Oh, no I am sorry. I misspoke. I am not interested in a consultation. I just want to get some basic information about how she organizes the adoption process."

Receptionist: "That's right. That will be $100. Now, when can you drop it by?"

Me: "Wait. In order for me to even speak with her to get information it will be $100?"

Receptionist: "Yes. uh huh. You must send money before you can even make an appointment."

Me: "So, I need to send you a check. Then you will call me and we will schedule an appointment. Otherwise Y won't speak to me?"

Receptionist: growing weary with my questioning as if to suggest that clearly stupidity is why I am not yet a parent, "YES."

Then, we hung up. Suffice it to say, the check isn't in the mail.

Door #3, Public Placement through a STATE agency
This is the foster care adoption agency option. In the end we would have to be approved as a state foster home and then would have a foster child placed in our home. I have blogged earlier about how I wasn't sure if this option was the best for us. In particular because I was worried about the loss we would experience if the state was successful in its stated intent- the reunification of the biological parents- with our foster children. The loss would be unimaginable.

This weekend I had the opportunity to explore some foster to adopt blogs and I realized that what I was most afraid of wasn't about the loss, but about my anger. What if the children were returned to biological parents who were yucky...who we didn't approve of? Clearly, they had a past history of abuse. How could we protect the child or children from them and any possible future abuse? We don't have a right to set that bar and I think THAT is what I am least comfortable with. Impotence doesn't suit me well.

Our path to adoption was born from loss- my own infertility. It is not that fear of loss that makes me hesitant, it is the fear of loving and then not having a "real" choice in the child(ren's) future and not protecting them. Doesn't every parent vow to always protect their children? And, given what we know about at least some state workers, I don't have a lot of confidence in their decisions.

So, where does that leave us? A little tired and digging even deeper into our "well of patience."

ToMAYto or TomaTOE? It's really just about perception!

It's been about 6 weeks since we heard from our agency social worker so I am going to give her a call this week. I fully anticipate hearing "well, we really can't predict these things" BUT I just want to speak with her. I think it makes me feel like I am actually doing something (an illusion, I know). Matt references this strategy of mine as "stalking the social worker." What can I say? I don't know the protocol, but certainly it could be considered reasonable to give her a call since we haven't spoken via phone since December and via email since the beginning of January. Anyone ever have a long distance relationship in college? You know, the kind where you really like each other, go to different schools, and then over time, speak to each other less and less frequently until it just kind of peters out. Well, that's how this kind of feels like. So am I stalking our social worker or being persistent? I guess it's all about perception.

We have booked out late spring trip! I am so freakin' excited!!! We are headed to the St. Lucia. No cell phones. No blackberry. No email. While I am certain that they have this technology, it will be my goal to completely and totally unplug from the computer. As a virtual school leader, I can honestly say that in the last 17 months or so, there has only been 2 or 3 days when I haven' t dealt with an email or a phone call. I took a vacation day in July 2008 and received multiple calls that "had" to be dealt with right then and there. It was at that point that Matt and I realized that our only peace on a vacation would come if we left the country. I am tempted to make pictures of the resort and island my desktop wall paper. Is it to early to pack?

Fistful of nothing- I am running out of pithy comments about no news!

Are we seeing a recurrent theme here? We have no news from our adoption agency, so we are beginning the process of considering a private adoption attorney. I am not sure how that works, but we are beginning to be open to consider that avenue. Essentially, the adoption attorney maintains a network of prospective parents and does much more outreach. I will let you know how this works out. I have a few leads. We are also on the list to attend the foster parent training for our state. By the end of this training we will be certified to have the state place a child in our home. Our greatest fear with this option is - not the child- but rather the stated objective of our Department of Children and Families to reunify biological families. We have to hope that a birth parent is unable to fulfill his or her stated obligations and that no biological family members are interested in parenting the child for the child to be placed with us permanently. Dicey, right? Both Matt and I are uber-sensitive and don't know the extent that we will have the fortitude to successfully navigate that program.

In the meanwhile, we are going on a "real" and "grown up"vacation! YIPPEE! And, WAHOO! We are heading out of the country in May. The countdown is ON! like Donkey Kong! It is our end of the semester reward! Matt will be done with his grad degree except for a small project and I will have made a decision between programs and courses of study! There will be MUCH to celebrate INDEED!

And, we figure, as soon as we pay for it, we will get a match! We should be so lucky, right?

No adoption news, but I love Faceb**k!

Hello dear blog lurkers! Nothing on the adoption front; although one of my awesome work colleagues may help us extend our network of contacts by making some introductions for us-feel free to do so as well =) . Interestingly, kinda like the movie Juno (but really the only thing that is consistent), is that there is a component to domestic adoption that hinges on us 'getting the word out' like the Pennysaver ad.

With that being said, we are so at peace with the fact that the child or children meant for us will be in our family sooner or later. Adoption makes you think about the extent to which children are "meant" to be in families. When the birthmother who was considering an adoption plan decided to parent her child in December the resounding chorus was "well it wasn't meant to be." And, if a PAP didn't believe that at our core, then these kinds of speed bumps would be more profound. In the meantime, we keep busy. Have you discovered the "deliciousness" that is social networking sites! OMG! Four years ago they didn't exist- and now, I am so excited to track people down. So many people come in and out of our lives and this tool is amazing to help us stay connected. Time has a way of passing (15 years fly by)!

Earlier this month there was a glimmer of hope that my preliminary exams for my dissertation might occur in the fall. Newest word is that I won't be able to sit for them until next winter. *sigh* Now that I have my dissertation topic I really am excited to collect rich data and get down to business. I won't be able to do that until my chair signs off on my program of study, my remaining courses, and my passage of my exams. Based on some conversations this month, that data collection probably won't be able to occur until next February. However, if I drop down to the Ed.D route, I can start this summer. Oh, to be patient. Clearly a recurring theme in my world these days.

Oh, funny haha...our social worker told us that we should probably get a baby doll that makes "baby" noises so that our dogs get used to the idea of something that shape and size. And, when we are selected by a birthmother, we will totally do that. But, really, now? Unlike my ability to be consistent with my teachers and my students, my discipline of the dogs might be considered "needing improvement." Not only that, our puppos are not the "sharpest tools in the shed." Like every DINK couple, our dogs have toys..lots of them. In fact some of them look like ducks, geese, raccoons, squirrels. You know- cute, furry, and squeeky. Well, we have a large wooded backyard. In fact, I lovingly refer to it as "wild kingdom." [Stay with me.] So, Duke sees an animal that looks like his toys and- because he is so "play focused" has - on more than one occasion chased them out of the yard. Making the connection yet? Can you imagine Duke seeing the "baby" and confusing the fake baby and the real baby? Um..rrrrrriiiiiiiiiiggggggghhhhhhhhhtttttttttt. I am pretty sure the real baby won't be able to get away from him like the various squirrels, fox, raccoons, turkeys, hawks, etc can. I think I will wait to hit the toy store.

Week #42 on "adoption island"

In some ways, I do feel like we are on an island hanging out waiting to be "found" by a birth parent. And, then in some ways I think of the tv show, S*rvivor, isn't the slogan "outwit, outlast, ..."? I have never watched the show, but I remember it being a theme of a conference I attended for middle schol teachers. Yes, THAT metaphor is RICH!

Just a random thought...One thing that has kind of percolated to the top of my mind lately is the notion that some people perceive adoptive children aren't "real" children who parents love just as much as biological children. I was reading a gossip page and noticed that repeatedly people chose to qualify adoptive children as "adopted" when discussing specific children. That makes me so sad! Parenting isn't about childbirth - although that is a beautiful component to it. It's about love and laughter and relationships. I feel so blessed that our families and friends do not perceive our potential child as less than a biological child and everyone is super excited for us.

Travel for work has picked back up so I am traveling at least 2 days a week again. It doesn't look like I will get a break from it until March. One of the lessons I have learned is that when you travel for work your week flies by! I completely FORGOT a homework assignment due this evening! Oops. Of course, I scrambled and got a rough draft in before the deadline, but whew! it was close. Definitely need to figure out how to be organized before we are matched! Hope everyone is staying warm!

Just like "conjunction junction" from back in the day, I am at "procrastination station"

A great big "THANK YOU" to Mama Marte (my brother-in-law's mother) for gifting Matt and I an AWESOME slip covered sectional. We quickly realized that the microfiber couch we had wouldn't stand up to the use of 2 "LARGE and in-charge" puppos, 1 PAP who works from home, and the potentiality of an infant/toddler spilling things. We were searching high and low for a slip-covered couch that would fit our oddly shaped living and dining room, when Mama Marte came to our rescue. WAHOO! Now, we get to mini-decorate with new throw pillows, a new area rug, and some other things. And, we have saved a TON of money that will go right into our adoption fund.

Now, it's on to readings and school work for the week, advanced qualitative methods loom on my calendar tomorrow evening. Nothing like discussing the intricacies of "researcher as bricoleteur"- (Seriously, I couldn't make that up). Actually, I am being snarky- I am using qualitative methods for my dissertation so it's a super important class as I move forward with completing my mini-pilot for my dissertation. Word on the "committee" street is that I could sit for my exams in the fall, and pending passing them, begin my research this time next year. Could the end be in sight? I can barely contain myself =).

And, while I still haven't worked out- "hence procrastination station", I will be productive by getting my school work completed today to free up time later in the week. So..off I go...

Waiting sucks!

Really, there is nothing profound about waiting. I have been checking my email regularly, and by regularly, I mean hourly - and by hourly I REALLY mean every 60 (maybe 45?) minutes or so of my waking hours- to see if our Social Worker has contacted us about a birth mother. And nothing. Matt even accused me of stalking her! So, I email her weekly...really, in my mind, maybe we are on a "post-it' to call the next possible presentation and I am just helping her out by expediting hitting the "reply" button instead of the "compose" button. Having worked in middle school in a large urban district (read: bureaucratic) for years one would think that I have the patience of Job. And, typically, I think I do. But, grr....this is hard. Especially when we were so close in December. The grief is getting better, but somehow to make sense of this wait, it's still kinda tough.

I am throwing myself back into the swing of classes (on top of work) and am hoping that I will be able to work on "baby-ish" stuff without jinxing the process. I am working on getting the glass topped tables out of the living room, finding spaces for extra storage, and organizing things in the vein hope that somehow I can measure it all as "progress" toward a placement and adoption. I even checked my horoscope today- " 'BIG' things in 2009" is what it said...Hopefully, the biggest "thing" will come in the smallest package.

Fingers and toes crossed for "THE CALL" this week.

At least I got my workout clothes on today!

Well, something about "the best laid plans"...I am procrastinating and I have no excuse. I admit it. Isn't that the first step in moving forward? I am diligently thinking about diet and exercise. I mean I think that I should limit my carbs, I think I should limit my sugars (even those drunk in alcohol), I think I should get moving..BUT..what is my problem? I have awesome support..Matt works out regularly, friends of mine maintain weight loss blogs, and I.have.no.motivation. I might even think that I am using graduate school as an excuse. What if my entire motivation for pursuing my doctorate is all about procrastinating about exercising? Well..I think I am going to do some laundry. and change out of my workout clothes.

um..excuse me..please pardon the non-post below..I got a little excited about having a chance to post so soon!

Well..hello again! Clearly, I was waaaaayyyy too excited that I had a chance to post - I hit the return button too soon (hehe). It's early in the semester so - while I have some time- I thought I would try to update our blog regularly. I really appreciate all of the support that I get from everyone who responds to my questions and posts. There are very few adoptive parents among our circle of close family and friends so the "blogosphere's" expertise is really helpful as we navigate our adoption journey. With that in mind, if there are any domestic adoption bloggers who are "lurking" out there, could you send me an email or a post so that I can read over your experiences? I have stumbled on amazing families and really use their stories as guide posts in our journey. But, I would also like to broaden my own horizons. And, because of our limited experiences, everything we read is a learning experience.

Also, does anyone have any recommendations of things that I could be doing now that will help once we are matched and bring home our little bean..You know the kind of "If I knew than what I know now I would have..."

Last night we had a chance to catch up with Shelly and Lucas, Matt's friends from college who lived in SFLA when we did. We had a blast reminiscing of South Florida and chatting up how we know 2009 is going to be awesome! BIG CONGRATS to Shelly who recently landed an amazing job! It's awesome when someone with so much talent is recognized for her work! And, as we were hanging out at a "cheese-tastic" watering hole, the people watching was FANTASTIC! I love college towns! And, at this particular venue, the citizenry was out in full fashion force..undergrads, lobbyists, lawyers, doctoral students, locals...we didn't know where to look or who to watch! It was an intersection of cultures!

Now, it's back to reality...papers, work, and cleaning- in that order.

I know, I know...you can't believe how much I am posting these days...enough already!

Football,Basketball, and Baseball-Ironically, I have no athletic talent

Well..BIG PROPS to the UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA GATORS!!! Football National Champs! While I would have loved a game that looked a little more like the Thanksgiving rout of The Florida State Seminoles (sorry, Matt, Shelly, Lucas, Joe, and Liz), I am so proud of the Gators! And, to do it in Florida-AWESOME! While I didn't get to attend because of obligations in Tallahassee, many of my friends did! It looked like so much fun! Keeping in the athletic theme for the week, I attended my first collegiate basketball game (I attended UF during the NIT years). Although the 'Noles lost to Duke, it was super fun to watch. Coach K is amazing! Next up, baseball season is around the corner. Nothing gets better than listening the crack of the bat and catching some beautiful Florida sun in the springtime!

It's been a relatively uneventful adoption week-that's how we measure time. While I can't speak to other prospective adoptive parents, I can share that we measure time in parallel universes. There is our "regular" time and lives- work, class, errands, and life. And, then we have an adoption clock. It's not regulated per se -it's not measured in seconds, minutes, or days. It's measured in events. So far, this week, nothing. We are just hanging out in the stack. Our paperwork hangs in a folder of a cabinet in our social worker's office. We have signed up for a required parenting class for state adoptions so hopefully we will get a seat in the April class (the next one offered).

However, we do have a question for adoptive parents who have blazed the trail before us...At what point do we start collecting baby stuff? You know..the crib, the sheets, all the "stuff"? On one hand we feel like we are "jinxing" it by starting to get things now. On the other, it is one way we can feel like we have some measure of "control." And, I am slowly realizing, there is A LOT of stuff to get!

Ok..enough about adoption..a "divided" house bleeds Orange and Blue for the evening!!!!

"Ring, phone, ring!"

As I mentioned on our most recent post, we have switched over to domestic adoption. This process is very different. Essentially, we wait until a birth mother (or her social worker) contacts our adoption agency and social worker. Once she makes contact, she creates a profile of adoptive parents. Then, the adoption agency matches her profile with the available prospective adoptive parents profiles. She then selects adoptive parents based on the profiles she reviews. The birth mother may chose to meet the prospective adoptive parents or may not.

Regardless of that component of the process, we wait to "get the call" from our social worker that a birth mother is reviewing our profile (among others), a call that our profile is selected,  a call that the birth mother has made an adoption plan, a call that the baby was born, and a call to pick up the baby. We could be a part of the pregnancy, a part of the birth, or just called to pick up the baby. Clearly, the phone is my friend. I check it many, many times a day. 

Now that we have talked about the process, let me tell you how it feels. Remember the first time you interviewed for something big- college, a job, or you met your mate? It kinda feels like that. We have butterflies. Remember after you interviewed and you waited to find out if you "got it"? The anxiety we feel kinda feels like that. Remember when you and your first love broke up? That sense of devastation? When an adoption plan falls through, it can feel like that. 

It is as if our hearts are outside of our bodies.

We can speak of these feelings because we have experienced them. Recently we were presented to a birth mother who selected us as one of two "finalists." The feedback we got was that she really liked us. And, we were told to "be by our phone." And, then we waited. And, waited. And, waited. Hours turned into days which turned into a couple of weeks. We were tense and anxious and excited. And then we learned that she delivered the baby. And, then we learned that she decided to not place the baby. She chose to parent. And, while we are happy that her circumstances changed so that she could parent, we were devastated at the same time. 

So, we go back into the pile and wait for the next go around.

Is that the phone ringing???????